What if I were to tell you that Grief and Love were the same but different?  It is true that grief often follows a loss and love follows the gain but what if, grief actually was a deeper love than you know?  I right now am in the midst of grief as I am human after all. I acknowledge that it exist. It has meaning and purpose and it is showing me how much their loss means to me. They had meaning and reason to exist in my life and I will never forget them.

Who was this that I lost? If you don't know yet, it was my cat Potter.  

"A CAT?!?!" Some would think shouldn't be causing you grief, well maybe some, but how does a cat make you feel what you are feeling now? I will tell you and it might be a long read.

When I first came across Potter, I had always said being a dog lover, in order for a cat to come into my life, he had to also be like a dog. I love dogs and always will.   My first loss was when I was around 4 and a puppy my mother got me ran out into the street and was ran over by a milk truck. Yes I am that old that we had milk trucks. I remember every detail of that day, because it was my first real experience of grief. I lost my dog.  I even remember him so that when I was in the 1st grade, we were to do a piece of art with picture and a card I held onto that had a picture of dog, much like the one I had, I used to remember him as we didn't have any real pictures. 

Potter was the perfect combination of cat and dog. He chose me the day I saw him. He was a rescue, a kitten of about 10 weeks they said. He was all over me, but that day I didn't get him. I was told I shouldn't rush into getting him,  but I should think about it. The next day I awoke and was told if he is there, he is yours. I rushed over to Pet Smart who was host to Last Chance Animal Rescue, a shelter that takes animals from other shelters and the pounds that have a kill policy in Maryland and other states and keep them till they find homes. When the doors opened I was there. I went right back to where they kept the pets for adoption and as I turned, Potter saw me and jumped at the glass as to say, "Your here for Me!!" He was loyal, loving, affectionate, aware and would fetch, like ice cream and look always for that bit of affection and give it in return. He even had a what was called a "Purrmeow" that was his his bet quality and way of talking. To him, we were his world and many ways he was ours.  He was named after Harry Potter because at the time I was reading the books and it was funny how Potter even had a lightning bolt patterned stripe down the middle of his back and he looked like he was wearing glasses.

These past couple of years Potter had been developing dementia. It was progressing over this past year more and more. He would be up one day and down the next. He was healthy, but not mentally and slowly the toll of dementia was starting show.  He was not eating all his food and then act like he was never had food in the first place and would want more. He was inhaling his water and food causing him to sneeze. He started sleeping more and more and finding it hard to get in and out of the cat box. We had to start putting down puppy pads for him.  It was difficult but he wasn't just our cat, he was our family, our boy who was now an old man. He was 20 years and 8 months old.  On his last day it became harder for him and throughout I knew it was his last day. I bathed him with warm water and a sponge because he had stopped cleaning himself. I tried to get some food and water in him through a dropper. I helped him to the box and back. I held him but also all the time telling him it was ok for him to go, I would be alright.  That night I took him into my office and put him in a chair wrapped in his blanket and sat with him. I was watching a movie and there is a line in it. "No parent should have to watch there child die." I knew in that moment he was gone and looked back at him and he was.  He died on Valentine's Day at around 2 a:m in the morning.  I believe he held out for that day to tell us, he knew he was so loved and so loved us. I believe in signs and meanings and tell you, he had purpose in this world an full filled it.

Now you may ask, why didn't we put him down.  He wasn't disposable to us and even the Vet said, he can die at home if I can handle it.  I chose to treat him like the little big soul he was. Surrounded by love and cared for till the end. He went with dignity and it was the least I could do.

Let me share something else about Potter.  During the last two years, I started for him a TikTok that was entirely about him and his dementia. We talked about it, it's symptoms and how to diagnose it. We talked about care and in the meantime we also did little talks with Potter as if he was there talking to the people. We would encourage people to be kind, loving and better humans. Potter even would rub the phone as if he enjoyed it and I would read comments to him what people would say. In six month Potter had 11,000 followers always asking about him.  When I let them know he had past on Valentine's Day, we received 85000 views of that video alone and condolences for us and words for him. People even commented on how they were effected by him. One girl switched her career to become a nurse working with dementia patients. Another was becoming one because of him. Another nurse said that after long days at the hospital with patients with covid, she looked foward to seeing Potter and the words of encouragement we shared. The stories went on and on..  We had a few negative comments in the beginning of starting his TikTok, but we soon after not giving in to them, only had positive ones.   Potter had a purpose and still does. I will keep it up on TikTok, because it still continues to help people but also I have over 300 videos of him, his purrs and purrmeows and so much more a sort of living memory book I can flip through when I want to think of all the good times we had.

So after all that, how is Grief and Love the same but different?  They are both things when you experience them you will always have. One fills you up and the other leaves you with wanting always more.  One feels real, very very real, the other makes you wish it wasn't real, that you didn't have to experience it. One you want to live with for a lifetime hoping it never fades and the other you will have to learn to live with because it never will.   Your grief over someone or a pet is important because it shows you the depth of your love for them. You loved them so much that the lack of that continued opportunity to give affection to them now feels like it has no place to go.  Your brain made a space for them to be filled by all the experiences you have with them. When no more experiences can be gained, it hungers for more information until it overloads and grief takes hold.  Love and Grief, Grief and Love are the same but different, because ultimately you have and had one or the other, but most importantly you had them.

One of my favorite quotes if from Dr. Seuss, "Don't be sad because it is over, Be happy because it happened."  I have to remind myself of that quote and all the happy times. Potter to me was a little master in a Cat's body. He was put on my path to make me a better person.  I hope he succeeded. 

Until we meet again, Potter...

Have a great March,

Steven