Grief, Yours, Mine and Ours

Yesterday as I was driving my partner to the airport, we were talking about grief and how lucky he was to have his parents.  He was going to go see his Mother in Florida. We often do not understand the qualities of ours and others grief. When a loved one passes we experience grief in the form of that this is mine and mine alone, not realizing that others around us have grief as well. Grief never really ever goes away. The brain has not the associated processes to rid itself of it, but what it does is learn to live with it. When something about the loved one we have lost reminds us of them, our brain tries to store that information in an area of the brain it has specifically saved for that person. If no new information about that person can be processed but information associated with it is imputed, the brain sort of miss fires or just like a computer, says this is wrong information and spits out the reaction that most bugs in a computer does and it results in an error message. Our brain reacts with the very emotions associated with sadness, confusion, tears, shutting down, until the error message is clear. In spirituality, we understand that the loved one is really never gone, but it still is felt very clearly. I stated to my partner your very lucky to have your parents but I have to be mindful that when the time happens your grief may be very intense and I will have to be there for both our grieving as I am close to his parents, just as he was close to my mother. The difference I do have the comfort of understanding they are never will be gone, but Shannon doesn't believe as I do. This will make the grief Shannon will express, much more, in the same turn, making mine less, but this brings me to my mother. 

Last weekend I was thinking a lot about my sister as it was her birthday and that she must be really missing our Mom, which in turn made me sad about Mom not being there for us. I am human so this is only natural.  We were visiting friends and went to dinner. During the dinner my dear friend Terry, who is older than I, had a look all the sudden on her face and how her hair is styled, looked so much like my mother, that I reacted and suddenly started tearing up. I then leaned into speak with her and said, "I don't want you to take what I am about to say as an insult but a compliment, but you just looked so much like my mom that I really emotional right now." She smiled and couldn't say anything but, "Really? Wow.." Then this week..takes more turns of my mother dropping in and saying "Hi!" A friend texting me Wednesday about Scotland which was the trip we took two months after my Mothers' passing. Scotland Mom would have loved, I hope she saw it through me as we were there, because it reminded me constantly of her. Then this morning, a picture I used from that trip, popped up on my Facebook feed was from Scotland stating 4 years ago and then I open the curtains in my bedroom to see this

Three Cardinals, a boy and two girls. My sisters and I have shared something about cardinals since our Mother passed as Cardinals are said to be a sign of a loved one checking in. Just this past Christmas, I sent my two sisters ornaments that had 3 cardinals sitting in a tree, they both loved them.  I then said after taking the picture and posting it, "Thanks Mom! Got your message loud and clear. Love You!" This brought me a smile and my grief, that I am still feeling, even 4 years later, was comforted. I had a new memory of mom and it went right into that area of the brain that would have malfunctioned and just made me feel good.

Our grief is very real but it shouldn't be a life stopper.  It should be a way for us to appreciate the loved ones we have lost. Creating new memories of them and for them is a way we keep them alive in our memories but also allows us to be closer to them if we so wish to. We are not perfect creatures but we can live a life that doesn't involve us living in the dark.  That is what I often think about people who have no experience or understanding of that there is more to us than just a body, which is not the same body we were born with.  Every cell in our body is renewed every 7 years, EVERY CELL. We are not the same physical person, but our memories, personality, feelings and spirit are transferred from one body to the next while we are here. When it is no longer needed we end the process and move on.  This is natural order. But what doesn't feel natural to us is the loss of someone before what we assume is their time. Parents should go before us, so we expect it, but children shouldn't. That is what we believe, but in spirituality, we also understand that this could have been their agreed plan. We may not understand it now, but we may understand it later. Whatever form it takes later may propel us left to be better, be active, start something in their name and so much more. We don't have to accept their loss, but we should learn also to honor them, that this was their plan before coming here and our plan is yet to be carried out.

Death is a natural conclusion to life, we will never be rid of grief, but we should also learn to embrace it. It shows us, as long as we remember the ones we lost, our memories,feelings and emotions are reminders..They Lived.

Blessings,

Steven